The Journey So far
Maybe I don't have much to say at the moment but that didn't stop me from writing.. I took inspirations from Josh to write this..
I have always been an advocate and a pusher, if you may, for safe sex with condom, so much so that I always have at least one pack with me everywhere I went, in my bag, in my pocket, in my jacket, in the car etc. Always. And when I have used one, I'd remember to replenish.
Here's what I did not know. Who. When. How.
Let's start from the very beginning of life.. Okay maybe not that very beginning but more or less of how and what brought me to today.
1998 - A rocky year for me as I struggled to come to accept my sexuality. I was only 15 but I knew boobs and pussies disgust me so much I actually felt nauseous and vomited at the very sight. Yes, I have an appetite for men but my first encounters did not happen until 2 years later. I was actually suicidal at this point - with a wrist scar to remember by.
2000 - in Malaysia, this is the year of a major school examinations. Stress and pressured to excel was too much. As expected, I did not do well, merely good enough to finish school. I was still struggling with being gay.
2001 - I moved away from home to university and then out on my own. That's when I began to really experiment with gay sex and all. As naive and as paranoid as I could ever be, I was very, very careful about bottoming out.
10 years later...
2011 - This and 2010 were the years where my active sexual lifestyle peaked. I was having sex with 3-4 different guys every week in 2010, thanks to the onslaught of Grindr (which was the reason why I changed to iPhone) and other hook-up apps. And every single time, I made sure the guy puts on the condom. Every April, I would have gone for an annual full medical check-up which also consists of HIV, and every year they came back normal, and negative, or non-reactive.
Dec 30, 2011 - Perhaps it's this guy who infected me, I don't know for sure, but I don't remember and I don't recall him having the condom on through sex. It freaked me out at that very instance. Many thoughts raced through my mind when we were done, the "what ifs". It was in a sauna in a foreign country. It was made worse as I had earlier suspected myself to have STI.
Unlike other gay men who mostly came down with fever and flu-like in the aftermath of infection, I did not have any signs or symptoms.
March 2, 2012 - I thought it's time for my annual medical check-up. So I went, ordered the usual test package that I have always been doing. They took 4 tubes of blood for the various tests, including HIV.
A few hours later, the lab called me to go back as they needed more blood to, I quote, "reconfirm results". At that moment, I began suspecting something isn't right. It's not compounded by the fact that I have an operation coming up later that week. Fellow friends who are doctors assured me it's normal to do more tests in view of surgery. I could only listen but I knew myself best.
March 3, 2012 - I couldn't wait until next week for the result, so first thing in the morning I went to the lab and asked for my result. When they couldn't find it on file on the collection desk, I heart skipped a bit, as I knew very well that I had picked up my results from the collection desk every single time, every single year without fail. My results were not at the collection desk this year.
They made me wait.
They made me wait in the consultation room with the door closed.
I knew at that instance, it's something I don't want to hear.
Then the head of the lab came in, holding a file to what was my result in a nicely sealed envelope. He handed it to me without asking me to open it.
He said, "I have some bad news for you. The results were positive".
Without waiting for me to respond or say anything, he left me alone. I gathered my thoughts, hands trembling and opened up my lab results. I knew how to read them as I have been reading the same lines and same things year on year. I scanned the lines..
White blood cells..
xxx
yyy
zzz
some of it are bold, meaning they are out of the normal range of a healthy adult.
Third page. HIV TEST.
Test Normal Reference
HIV-antibody Reactive Non-reactive
There. That's the confirmation. Just one word, but that morning, my world crumbled down on me.
Perhaps I sat alone in the room for like 10-15 minutes.
I walked out, thank the nurses for their compassion and friendliness (I knew them by names), which I am sure they will probably not see me back in the lab anymore.
As I walked, my knees began to feel weak. I got to my car just in time to catch some breath, and thought to myself what in the world did I just hear.
That weekend I lost 4kg, a weight loss that's so significant that my love handles reduced tremendously. But I gathered enough strength to tell some friends.. gay and straight.. I felt they need to know, but I didn't care about what they would think of me then on..
Glad to say, the gay ones were very supportive while my straight friend, I am not sure if he found it hard to accept that I am now positive, or that he has something else on his mind, we've been close friends for like 20 years now - thats why I didn't hesitate to tell him.
The rest of the people and friends, not at the moment. They don't need to know. The only people who knew are these friends, and my doctor, and most supportive of all, the Twitter friends I've came to known in the last 3 weeks, you guys know who you are if you have followed me on Twitter.. I followed back :)
March 6, 2012 - I smoked my last stick decided that's it. I quit smoking and alcohol that very moment. No cravings whatsoever. I need my lungs and liver to work for me and work with me for as long as possible.
March 15, 2012 - I stummered up the courage to get myself tested fully to get my first CD4 and VL readings and also STI, which came back positive as well. It was warts, if I am not mistaken. I was given 1 jab, 4 pills to be taken immediately at the clinic, as well as 6 packets of cream, each packet is only 5gm or 1 drop of cream but they costs RM25 each. The STI treatment costs me RM500. I gotten my first CD4 reading at 471, but VL will need to wait 2 weeks.
I began to worry for the meds. Financially more like it.
I have no choice but to called a friend who is also positive (he was diagnosed in 2004 when we were room mates back in Singapore). I asked him a billion and one questions.
The most relieving part for now is, that the first medications are free, the downside is, there's only 2 hospitals in the whole country that dispense HIV med, the queue is a few hours worth of wait. He went on to say that if there is ever a need to change med (due to reasons we all know), then patients will have to start paying for the meds at about RM500 a month. I don't think I can afford that, plus the CD4/VL tests that costs RM500 each time; I noted it's monthly (that's like a lifetime homeloan). So I made a promise to myself, that when I eventually start med, adherence is something I will take very serious note of.
March 22, 2012 - Today. 3 weeks after diagnosis. I am in much better state, from doing a lot of reading, spending twice weekly in church and talking to God more in hope the lab can be wrong although chances are slim now that my CD4 is below 500, from talking to like-minded guys in Twitter (follow me!), and also I am continuing on my gym regime which I took a break following surgery.
I have also sign up to volunteer at an orphanage once a week in hope to redeem myself.
I also devised plans to eat healthily and avoid processed meat, avoid oily and coconut based stuffs since I also have high cholesterol. Although my diet isn't perfect, but there's always fruits and carrot and yoghurt on daily basis, apart from daily green tea. I also read up what kind of food that can add value to boost immune system (as general).
Last but not least, I pray each day that there'll be a cure one day, at whatever cost, even it meant borrowing money to travel or paying for the medical fees involved. Cancer drugs, genetically modifying CD4 - these gave me hope.
A hope that one day, perhaps not too long in the future, that we can completely wipe out HIV and thus it will become a curable disease, just like any other virus.
Let's us pray.
Heavenly Father, protect us and give us strength and guide us that one day we will have a cure for HIV. Father bless the researchers and scientists working hard to make that happen. We pray You'll show them the way and have mercy on us.
In Jesus name we pray. Amen.
.
I have always been an advocate and a pusher, if you may, for safe sex with condom, so much so that I always have at least one pack with me everywhere I went, in my bag, in my pocket, in my jacket, in the car etc. Always. And when I have used one, I'd remember to replenish.
Here's what I did not know. Who. When. How.
Let's start from the very beginning of life.. Okay maybe not that very beginning but more or less of how and what brought me to today.
1998 - A rocky year for me as I struggled to come to accept my sexuality. I was only 15 but I knew boobs and pussies disgust me so much I actually felt nauseous and vomited at the very sight. Yes, I have an appetite for men but my first encounters did not happen until 2 years later. I was actually suicidal at this point - with a wrist scar to remember by.
2000 - in Malaysia, this is the year of a major school examinations. Stress and pressured to excel was too much. As expected, I did not do well, merely good enough to finish school. I was still struggling with being gay.
2001 - I moved away from home to university and then out on my own. That's when I began to really experiment with gay sex and all. As naive and as paranoid as I could ever be, I was very, very careful about bottoming out.
10 years later...
2011 - This and 2010 were the years where my active sexual lifestyle peaked. I was having sex with 3-4 different guys every week in 2010, thanks to the onslaught of Grindr (which was the reason why I changed to iPhone) and other hook-up apps. And every single time, I made sure the guy puts on the condom. Every April, I would have gone for an annual full medical check-up which also consists of HIV, and every year they came back normal, and negative, or non-reactive.
Dec 30, 2011 - Perhaps it's this guy who infected me, I don't know for sure, but I don't remember and I don't recall him having the condom on through sex. It freaked me out at that very instance. Many thoughts raced through my mind when we were done, the "what ifs". It was in a sauna in a foreign country. It was made worse as I had earlier suspected myself to have STI.
Unlike other gay men who mostly came down with fever and flu-like in the aftermath of infection, I did not have any signs or symptoms.
March 2, 2012 - I thought it's time for my annual medical check-up. So I went, ordered the usual test package that I have always been doing. They took 4 tubes of blood for the various tests, including HIV.
A few hours later, the lab called me to go back as they needed more blood to, I quote, "reconfirm results". At that moment, I began suspecting something isn't right. It's not compounded by the fact that I have an operation coming up later that week. Fellow friends who are doctors assured me it's normal to do more tests in view of surgery. I could only listen but I knew myself best.
March 3, 2012 - I couldn't wait until next week for the result, so first thing in the morning I went to the lab and asked for my result. When they couldn't find it on file on the collection desk, I heart skipped a bit, as I knew very well that I had picked up my results from the collection desk every single time, every single year without fail. My results were not at the collection desk this year.
They made me wait.
They made me wait in the consultation room with the door closed.
I knew at that instance, it's something I don't want to hear.
Then the head of the lab came in, holding a file to what was my result in a nicely sealed envelope. He handed it to me without asking me to open it.
He said, "I have some bad news for you. The results were positive".
Without waiting for me to respond or say anything, he left me alone. I gathered my thoughts, hands trembling and opened up my lab results. I knew how to read them as I have been reading the same lines and same things year on year. I scanned the lines..
White blood cells..
xxx
yyy
zzz
some of it are bold, meaning they are out of the normal range of a healthy adult.
Third page. HIV TEST.
Test Normal Reference
HIV-antibody Reactive Non-reactive
There. That's the confirmation. Just one word, but that morning, my world crumbled down on me.
Perhaps I sat alone in the room for like 10-15 minutes.
I walked out, thank the nurses for their compassion and friendliness (I knew them by names), which I am sure they will probably not see me back in the lab anymore.
As I walked, my knees began to feel weak. I got to my car just in time to catch some breath, and thought to myself what in the world did I just hear.
That weekend I lost 4kg, a weight loss that's so significant that my love handles reduced tremendously. But I gathered enough strength to tell some friends.. gay and straight.. I felt they need to know, but I didn't care about what they would think of me then on..
Glad to say, the gay ones were very supportive while my straight friend, I am not sure if he found it hard to accept that I am now positive, or that he has something else on his mind, we've been close friends for like 20 years now - thats why I didn't hesitate to tell him.
The rest of the people and friends, not at the moment. They don't need to know. The only people who knew are these friends, and my doctor, and most supportive of all, the Twitter friends I've came to known in the last 3 weeks, you guys know who you are if you have followed me on Twitter.. I followed back :)
 |
| The cream for warts. I need to spread it over, around and inside my anus. |
March 15, 2012 - I stummered up the courage to get myself tested fully to get my first CD4 and VL readings and also STI, which came back positive as well. It was warts, if I am not mistaken. I was given 1 jab, 4 pills to be taken immediately at the clinic, as well as 6 packets of cream, each packet is only 5gm or 1 drop of cream but they costs RM25 each. The STI treatment costs me RM500. I gotten my first CD4 reading at 471, but VL will need to wait 2 weeks.
I began to worry for the meds. Financially more like it.
I have no choice but to called a friend who is also positive (he was diagnosed in 2004 when we were room mates back in Singapore). I asked him a billion and one questions.
The most relieving part for now is, that the first medications are free, the downside is, there's only 2 hospitals in the whole country that dispense HIV med, the queue is a few hours worth of wait. He went on to say that if there is ever a need to change med (due to reasons we all know), then patients will have to start paying for the meds at about RM500 a month. I don't think I can afford that, plus the CD4/VL tests that costs RM500 each time; I noted it's monthly (that's like a lifetime homeloan). So I made a promise to myself, that when I eventually start med, adherence is something I will take very serious note of.
March 22, 2012 - Today. 3 weeks after diagnosis. I am in much better state, from doing a lot of reading, spending twice weekly in church and talking to God more in hope the lab can be wrong although chances are slim now that my CD4 is below 500, from talking to like-minded guys in Twitter (follow me!), and also I am continuing on my gym regime which I took a break following surgery.
I have also sign up to volunteer at an orphanage once a week in hope to redeem myself.
I also devised plans to eat healthily and avoid processed meat, avoid oily and coconut based stuffs since I also have high cholesterol. Although my diet isn't perfect, but there's always fruits and carrot and yoghurt on daily basis, apart from daily green tea. I also read up what kind of food that can add value to boost immune system (as general).
Last but not least, I pray each day that there'll be a cure one day, at whatever cost, even it meant borrowing money to travel or paying for the medical fees involved. Cancer drugs, genetically modifying CD4 - these gave me hope.
A hope that one day, perhaps not too long in the future, that we can completely wipe out HIV and thus it will become a curable disease, just like any other virus.
Let's us pray.
Heavenly Father, protect us and give us strength and guide us that one day we will have a cure for HIV. Father bless the researchers and scientists working hard to make that happen. We pray You'll show them the way and have mercy on us.
In Jesus name we pray. Amen.
.
Comments
Post a Comment