Living The Pozitive LIfe

My first time really observing World AIDS Day, because for the first time, this matters. I have taken a strong interest since I was diagnosed. I spent hours and days reading and studying and coming to terms. Perhaps one day a cure would be freely available to everyone without the pains of surgeries and such. The difference between being HIV-negative and HIV-positive is a condom. Use it. Every single time. It does matter.

Has anyone given a thought to the topic above before? I guess not. We only think about it after its too late. Not one of us, not any of us would have given it a serious thought when we were on the bed with our legs apart. I'm sorry my friends, that if you think we pozzie whine, we don't. We don't even have any regrets anymore. We have been given a second chance in life, and while we go on with our lives living it to the fullest and making every day count plus ensuring we keep ourselves and our loved ones safe, it is you out there, the ignorant ones, that are in danger. We may have our own set of complications and problems but none of them are all as much as the single ignorance and blatant disregard for safe sex. Put on the fucking condom! And as a bottom, insist on the fucking condom!! I just had my 3rd reading result out. My CD4 count dropped a little to 458, and I think I know why. Smoking. All else being equal through the months, I lighted up more than the first...

I have since transferred to Tanglin Hospital near Bukit Aman after the last episode of drama I encountered in University Malaya Medical Centre.  The nurses and doctor there are so much nicer and friendlier compared to UMMC. Plus, it's just a 5 minutes drive away from my workplace. Hence "straying" wasn't much of a problem.  I had my consultation done a fortnight ago and was scheduled for blood sampling this morning. My appointment was scheduled for 8am. My physician actually called up the hospital and I overheard some of the conversation noting that she has scheduled me for blood taking this morning.  The nurses then scrambled around the waiting area looking for a Chinese man, and when they spot me, I guess they know I was already there. The other patients don't really fit into the descriptions of sorts. Then they ushered me into the assistant's room and the formalities were done. Then they gave me the lab papers and got me to the lab at the nex...

I mentioned once that there's this rude doctor from The Safe Clinic that I hate. Not only was he rude, I find him unprofessional and he is mentoring an angmoh medical student, that's equally as rude. Here's why. My check-up was due actually, and since Safe Clinic has gone for good, this doctor, let's call him DR I, referred me back to himself at University Malaya Medical Centre which also happens to be one of the country's elite medical university.. Since consultation timing is only in the afternoon, I literally did nothing the whole day and went to the hospital at lunch time. It's a fucking clinic, nobody tells me I have to have my blood taken first, wait for the results and then come back many days later to see the doctor. Ok, this is a government hospital so it's fine. UNDERSTANDABLE . TOO MANY FUCKING IDIOTS AROUND. After 2 hours of waiting, they asked me to just go have a chat with DR I, but since I have not done my blood test, there's no ...

I had my second test last month.. the results took a lot longer this time to come out. So my latest readings are: CD4: 476 CD4 %: 21 VL: 1.2mil The VL part is scary as it has increased since my last test.. My doctor advised to start med but at the same time had reservations too, so am I. I guess its the psychological factor to begin med for life, that is the greatest hurdle for me. I cannot bring myself yet to fully accept that yet. Even though I have been taking daily supplements, but that's different. I have on many days did not take the supplements, but with med, I know there's no excuse. The fact that first-line med is free in Malaysia is really a good news, because fellow pozzies in Singapore pays SGD1k a month for them, something I totally cannot afford. God bless us all. However, the government cut funding to Malaysian Aids Council and as a direct result, The Safe Clinic is winding up operations of providing free HIV testing and counselling. The best part is...

The Safe Clinic is closing for good. Not sure why, but I am guessing it’s due to the cut in funding from Malaysian Aids Council. Everyone is affected. Moving on, I will be doing my tests either in government hospitals or private hospitals. I want to keep my options open because in time to come, government hospitals will keep me alive in terms of fees and charges while private hospitals will save me time but not money. The queue at government hospital is (I heard) a whole day to get tests and/or medication, while it is costly in private hospital. I have overcome the traumatic acceptance period and my future worry is the medication. But I guess I will only get to there when it comes.. For everyday I am alive, I harbor hopes that a cure is possible in our lifetime. Yes they will. Only time can tell.. so close yet so…. Far?  

Well, just did my second CD4%, VL test last week, the results will be ready next week.. People asked me why I do it in a private clinic instead of a govt hospital? The answer is simple, time. I cannot afford to take time off from work to go to a govt hospital that only opens late into the morning and closes early in the evening. With a private clinic, I can go at night. But then, for CD4%, have to take it in the morning, no? It costs me between RM300-RM500 each tests every 3 months and it has now drained me of my financial resources.. I am quite tight at the moment.. Sigh.. Already defaulted on credit cards cos I cannot pay them on time.. .

It's been exactly 2 months since I learnt of my status, it's a whole roller coaster ride thus far albeit an expensive one. I have lost count of the money I spent on medications for STD (I am still on Aldara to treat chlamydia), and the tests. I could have chosen to go for government funded tests but it is very inconvenient for me to have to take an entire day off to get tests done and another day off to collect results. With my current job, I am just unable to do so, maybe I will have flexibility in my new job to allow me to take half day at the hospital? I also cannot risk anyone at work finding out. Much as I hate to say it, but it can cost me my job, and I am not prepared for that. I have come across plenty of people who thinks they know everything about HIV, including well-minded church people. Then they debate and talk as if they know it all but in actual fact, what they say were just bull shit and for all the wrong facts. I can't even begin to correct them, I fe...

Being diagnosed with HIV may just be the best thing, no, not that I am proud to have it, but rather, having it makes me realise many things in life that I have taken for granted - my health, friends and perhaps financial and also the outlook of life.. Previously, I don't care about what I eat despite being in the fitness industry. I eat to my heart's content. Hence I bumped up on the bad cholesterol also. Now I eat with caution. While I watch the things I eat, I make sure they add value to my health. I go organic as much as I can to avoid the chemicals used to grow/feed. I buy organic produce, I have a portion of fruits each day which I never did before. In short, I eat with a purpose - to keep me as healthy and as strong for as long as possible without needing medication. Friends - While only a select few friends knew about my status, I did not mind letting more people know if there's a need to. Having said that, I asked myself, what value would he add if he knows? F...

Perhaps the most positive thing I have ever heard since being positive (what a pun!), is that the people that I chose to tell, says back to me that "it doesn't bother me".. On one hand, I was very glad and grateful I have such wonderful friends, on the other hand, I kinda doubt if they know what the heck I am talking about.. True enough, many people who have walked this road tells me that being poz isn't as bad as those who has it worse like kidney failure, hypertension, big C, etc etc.. well, maybe.. Two things I have come to accept - that we will all die (but I don't want the cause of death to be complications arising from being poz and the higher risks it carries due to compromised immune system), and number two, that there is no cure yet, but I am so keeping my hopes high that eventually they will have a cure - they are so close, but non definite.. At whatever cost and if it's proven to wipe out 100% and become negative again, I will go for it.. Bu...

Reading this article today gives us all some hope maybe.. The natural way to treat HIV, 4 PLHIV are now reported HIV negative.  What are the odds? It cost USD 120/box of 30 sachets which can only last 10 days (3 times a day), and to be mixed with hot water.. In a month, you'd need USD360 which is about RM1,110.. And they recommend to drink it up for 3 months.. That is one hell of a very expensive treatment.. well, nobody said HIV treatment is cheap but this is really expensive.. I really do not know if I should consider this, but if it's really proven  that it can cure, I will do all I can to pay for this, and this means borrowing money from friends .. Read more at: http://www.standardmedia.co.ke/politics/InsidePage.php?id=2000055456&cid=4&currentPage=1

What did I say about Twitter? It's so powerful yet so personal and it enables friendships to be formed! Over the course of the weekend, I have come to know a fellow Twitter more closely and more into his troubled relationship, something I myself went through as exactly as it is to him now, many years back. I so could relate well to it.. So then we were like tweettering and before signing off for the night, I gave him my number and told him he could talk to me if he wanted to.. Then more to come, he started "looking" me up via the daily stuffs that I do, and then through facebook, haha.. so eventually I am officially "out" to him.. Prior to this, I sort of knew where he worked and as what as I do read stuffs and I spent a major part of my life patronizing the brand he work for.. So yea, everything just fall into place.. Glad to have known him - he's kind and nice.. but one sentence from him scored him brownie points, is that he said he is ok w...

So it's not trichonomas.. It's just plain ol' chlamydia.. The lab report came back positive for chlamydia. In fact I was already on treatment for that since 2 weeks ago.. and just now's visit to The Safe Clinic, the doctor gave me another 2 weeks supply of Aldara.. It's very, very costly.. I now owe the clinic RM400 as I only had RM100 with me to pay them.. I need my last RM100 to survive through till pay day next week.. Ok so I gotten my CD4 count the other day, and my VL report is back.. it's 1million copies.. But the doctor said to wait for the next round of tests due in June to make further decision as he said the high VL is due to the infection just starting, which supports the fact that I was indeed infected in the sauna in a foreign country.. There could not be anyone else that even come close to that.. He also said something that reassures me that I can expect to be start med in 1-2 years .. I don't know if it 's a good thing or a bad thi...

This month I did not budget nor expect medical expenditure to hit sky high. Putting aside an unrelated surgery costs (which I have to fork out some RM300 myself being admin costs as surgery was paid for by insurance), I have spent RM800 earlier this month for CD4, VL and also Aldara for suspected warts and also lab tests costs. The results of the STI came back today, I think I heard it was trichonomas . I googled it up and read sites upon sites for more info, and I can safely say, apart from some lesions, I don't have other symptons as described. Well, I am summoned to The Safe Clinic immediately to get it treated.. More money to be spent, I don't know how much the medications is going to cost but I am having the last RM200 to survive till pay day. I can only pay RM100 and put the rest on the credit account and increased the amount I still owes the clinic (I still owe them RM317 from the previous visit). I don't have a well paying job, and my monthly commitments are h...

Reading Pos4Life blogpost  about his first readings makes me wonder if my first CD4 level at 471 is something to worry about? He started from 615 (and he calls it horrible) and then 495, both of which are at levels higher than mine.. Ok I dont feel good now.

Maybe I don't have much to say at the moment but that didn't stop me from writing.. I took inspirations from Josh to write this.. I have always been an advocate and a pusher, if you may, for safe sex with  condom, so much so that I always have at least one pack with me everywhere I went, in my bag, in my pocket, in my jacket, in the car etc. Always. And when I have used one, I'd remember to replenish. Here's what I did not know. Who. When. How. Let's start from the very beginning of life.. Okay maybe not that very beginning but more or less of how and what brought me to today. 1998 - A rocky year for me as I struggled to come to accept my sexuality. I was only 15 but I knew boobs and pussies disgust me so much I actually felt nauseous and vomited at the very sight. Yes, I have an appetite for men but my first encounters did not happen until 2 years later. I was actually suicidal at this point - with a wrist scar to remember by. 2000 - in Malaysia, thi...

Do you know Singapore deports and expels (permanent ban) foreigners if found to be Poz or carrying ARVs in large quantities? Persons can be Poz and yet appear healthy shouldn't face any problem.. Yes. Singapore is one of the few countries left that practices this, this includes Malaysia and Taiwan. The consolation is, as a tourist who just want to pop over for a few days, it is not required (NOT ADVISABLE) to declare, with just enough ARV to get by. http://www.hivrestrictions.org/ Which I think I will know what to do. Hahaha.

It has been 2 weeks already since that faithful day of hugging those few pages of clinical reports.. It's a bunch of papers but one word is enough to screw my life. REACTIVE It's not a big word.. It's not even a medical term.. It's just a plain normal English word and it's the law that says that when there's an action, there's always a reaction.. I still cannot believe that I have now become a statistic..  The mistake of just one in the heat of sex caused a lifetime affliction.. I have always again and again reminded myself that save sex is the only way to go.. But I did not know how careless one can be.. Till today, I did not know if this particular guy I suspect infected me, ever wore a condom... He could have worn, he could've also took it off half way.. After all, you cannot feel condom inside your asshole.. But it doesn't matter anymore, does it? No amount of blame or regret can change anything..  The best is to pray for a cure and hope a...

I still had not heard anything from my doctor about the referral letter even though it has been 3 days.. Not being able to wait any longer, I went to another doctor who happens to a friend of mine; I went to him straight asking for only the CD4/VL test.. These two costs me RM300 (USD100) without the CD4%, with the %, it would be RM420 (USD140), which has to be done early morning.. So off I went at once.. While there, I also consulted him on something I was suspecting that bothered me.. Got that checked as well.. After an hour, my CD4 count was out, and it will stand as my beginning reading.. I was clocking 471.. but VL will have to wait... I was also tested positive for STI, but to know what STI, I will need to wait for the lab report but the doctor put me on medication for STI, a jab, 4 pills, and 6 packets of cream that costs me over RM480 (USD160).. Tonight's bill came to about RM780 (USD280) for initial testings, STI, and among others.. I was taken aback as I had only...

1. My doctor forgotten (?) to give me a referral letter in order for me to seek another doctor in the government hospital in this specialty. Without that letter, there's nothing much I can do at the moment, but I fear for each day of my life. 2. I got lost inside the Sg Buloh hospital building looking for the specialist clinic, and looking for the exit. I walked through the A&E with doctors and nurses attending to trauma cases. Nobody stopped me or asked me what I am doing there. 3. I am meeting up a friend tonight, a former room-mate back in those days when we were slugging off in Singapore many years ago, who can probably give me leads and point me to somewhere that I can seek attention. He's all I have that's within an arm's reach, who's diagnosed 8 years ago. I knew him before that. I took care of him when he has to be admitted, and subsequently quarantined and some other stories followed. Sigh. The weather in KL today is terrible. Thunderstorms all arou...

I have just gotten a twitter account to go with this blog. Away from my regular life. Perhaps I wanted this blog to document my life from now onwards - sharing and learning being a positive.. From twitter I found so much more resources and similar guys whose postings shed hope and light and helped me a lot to cope.. One step forwards, this is the second week of my new life.. I am scheduled to see my doctor soon to discuss in great length my future from now on.. I also expect for more blood tests, in respect to the two most important things in monitoring - CD4 cells and viral load.. Wish me luck.. Follow @iLoveiLive29

"The day I was diagnosed was the day I became responsible. Responsible for my past, present and future discretions and everything else in between.." Nicely said...

I was very depressed over the last few days. But after some thinking and some talking, I guessed I have a much better mind, although thousand and one question still looms. All the what-ifs and if-nots. I have decided to give up on alcohol and smoking. Not good for health, totally. What else? Sex. Yea.. I'm getting very disinterested in men and sex lately. Turning straight? Haha. My focus is on the high one. He deserved my devotion.

I have always thought it can only happened to other people. Little did I know that it hit me as well. I did not know exactly how I got it, but I have a few suspects in mind. I am very careful when it comes to sex, safe for the few times, which one of that few times I wasn't so lucky. I kind of expected it already when the hospital requested more blood samples from me. I mean, what are the chances of a lab making mistakes or screwing things up right? I have been regularly testing here so I knew that the margin of error is so slim. I did not know what to do now. I thought of writing a will to protect the interests of surviving family members in case God decided I should go Home. A lot of things going through my mind now. I don't even know where to start. First thing first, I did not tell anyone except a couple of close friends whom I can trust. The world cannot know.  This is a cruel world. I damn need all the emotional and moral support I can get. I seriously never tho...